Nothing to do with it being hard to be a woman... but rather because it's hard to be a man.
Its clear to me that we are living in a world where it is increasingly hard to be a man. And when I say 'a man', I mean no small thing by it. Kipling wasn't referring to having a pair when he said, 'You'll be a man, my son.' Being a man, a real man if you will, is a tall order and not everyone born male achieves it.
We are born male. We must learn to be men. Remember strength is a force. It is an attribute of the heart. Its opposite is not weakness and fear, but confusion, lack of clarity, and lack of sound intention. If you are able to discern the path with heart and follow it even when at the moment it seems wrong, then, and only then, are you strong. Kent Nerburn, American Author in Letters to my son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Life and Love.It seems that everywhere I look the idea of manhood is being undermined. Men in advertisments and tv programmes are useless, feckless idiots, women seem to routinely, if humorously, put their men down in knowing, eye-rolling exchanges of banter at social functions, loudly proclaiming their position as the assertive, strong and capable woman without whom the whole of family life would collapse in ruins, and their man would certainly never manage to make it out of the house in matching socks of a morning without her to sort him out.
Surely, the chances of a man surviving socially, professionally or privately if he spoke this way of his or any other woman are pretty slim, so why is it okay when she does?
Now I do know that much of this is fun or 'just what you do' and no harm is meant but I do think that some harm is done. This sort of pervasive view is emasculating our men and making it yet more difficult for them to know what they are meant to be to us, and what they are meant to model for their sons. In other words, how to be a man.
Clearly there is an adjustment going on for men as the pendulum swings away from patriarchy and male domination (pardon the irony please) of the world and of women. The old models and patterns are gone and new ones are emerging but they are not clear, not fully formed. Some men seem to have an instinct, some inherent ability to find their own answer, and they are the ones that stand out, head and shoulders above the rest; the ones who inspire and draw others. They seeminly have some inner compass that leads them and some quality that sustains them.
I was fortunate in being the daughter of a truly admirable man. One who knew precisely what it meant to be a man in every sense of the word and in all the roles his life required of him. He had learned the trick of being able 'to walk with kings, nor lose the common touch'. He never let a day go by without telling my mother that he loved her and thought she was beautiful and desireable. His colleagues both liked and respected him for his hard work and not-inconsiderable achievements and his brothers and friends loved him as we all did for his loyalty and generosity of spirit. His daughters knew they were safe and loved. He let us be tomboys and taught us to climb trees but let us know that as women we were worthy of his care and regard too. However one of the greatest of his gifts to us was that he showed us how to be happy; and he was - with his life, his achievements, his family and the world around him which still held surprises and delights to discover, enjoy and share with those he loved.
A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthod. (Rachel Carson, American Conservationist)Of course, there is another notable and special man in my life and oddly (or perhaps not) he has a good deal in common with the first. He is one of these men who apparently doesn't have to work at it; who is entirely comfortable in his skin, in his life and his choices. He doesn't have to flaunt his strength, and certainly not his dominance, and he has the confidence and self-possession to be able to risk being vulnerable. He is enough of a man not to be afraid of being gentle and sensitive and intuitive.
Interestingly both of these men lost their fathers early. But they both seem to have that inner sense or personal lodestone that led them to be the men that they are; without the influence of fathers who were there to guide them through the difficult transition from boy to man. But they both managed it and became remarkable men. Which is what makes me think that there are some who are destined to be great men from the start but also gives me hope for the men of the future that they can and will find new paradigms for what it means to be a man.
And as it happens, I think they both had the help of at least one amazing woman in their lives; which brings me to my point. Whilst the men in our lives seek new paths to manhood, women have a choice to help or hinder. We can use past inequality and oppression as an excuse and use this difficult time as an opportunity to extract petty revenges. Or we can do things differently (I might even say bringing a feminine perspective to the challenge of a world of equal opportunity and mutual respect) and help to shape the new masculine paradigms and support each of the men in our lives in being the best man they can be.
Mine may not need my help in getting there but he can rely on me not trying to drag him back down or attempt to undermine him. Just possibly knowing that he can trust me to stand by him and am prepared to openly show that I value and respect his masculinity might turn out to help in some way: I hope so.
Whatever happens, as a new equilibrium is found, the special men in my life have taught me one thing - that some things don't and won't change.
The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart. (Meng ko, Chinese philosopher)
